Hot Fix

You have ten seconds to look at and rearrange the cards in your library. At the end of those ten seconds, if you're touching one or more of those cards, shuffle.

Mine, Mine, Mine!

When Mine, Mine, Mine! enters the battlefield, each player puts their library into their hand.
Players have no maximum hand size and don't lose the game for drawing from an empty library.
Each player can't cast more than one spell each turn.
When Mine, Mine, Mine! leaves the battlefield, each player shuffles their hand and graveyard into their library.

Handcuffs

As Handcuffs enters the battlefield, choose a player.
When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three permanents.

Alexander Clamilton

Whenever you cast a wordy spell, scry 2. (A spell is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)
{1}{R}, {T}: Choose target creature you don't control. Reveal the top card of your library. Alexander Clamilton gets +X/+0 until end of turn, where X is the number of lines of rules text of the revealed card. Alexander Clamilton fights that creature.

Hat Trick

Target blocking or blocked creature you control get +1/+1 and gains first strike until end of turn. If it has a hat, it gains double strike until end of turn. If you and that creature each have a hat, the creature gains triple strike until end of turn.

More or Less

Add or subtract 1 or one from a number or number word on target spell or permanent until end of turn.

Kindslaver

{5}, {T}, Sacrifice Kindslaver: A person outside the game controls target player during that player's next turn. Neither player may advise that person until the end of that turn.

Goblin Mime

Cardpecker

Flying
Gotcha — If an opponent touches the table with their hand, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Cardpecker from your graveyard to your hand.

Just Desserts

Just Desserts deals π damage to target creature. (π is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. (It's a smidgen more than 3.))

It Came from Planet Glurg

You may have It Came from Planet Glurg enter the battlefield as a copy of X different creatures on the battlefield. (It has their total power, total toughness, combined mana costs, all text boxes, names, art, and so on.)

A Real Handful

As long as one or more hands are touching A Real Handful, it gets +2/+2.
As long as two or more hands are touching A Real Handful, it has menace.
As long as three or more hands are touching A Real Handful, it has lifelink.

capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Face to Face

You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that player.

Mox Lotus

{T}: Add {∞}.
{100}: Add one mana of any color.

Assquatch

Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½.
Whenever another Donkey enters the battlefield, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.

Space Beleren

Space sculptor (Space Beleren divides the battlefield into alpha, beta, and gamma sectors. If a creature isn't assigned to a sector, its controller assigns it to one. Opponents assign first.)
+1: Creatures in each sector can be blocked this turn only by creatures in the same sector.
−1: Put a +1/+1 counter on each creature in the sector of your choice.
−5: Destroy all creatures in the sector of your choice.

Baron Von Count

Baron Von Count enters the battlefield with a doom counter on "5."
Whenever you cast a spell with the indicated numeral in its mana cost, text box, power, or toughness, move the doom counter one numeral to the left.
When the doom counter moves from "1," destroy target player and put that doom counter on "5."

Bar Entry

Choose one —
• Destroy target creature with power 4 or greater.
• Destroy target creature with any part of its head higher than the bar. (Align the tops of both cards to check.)

Moniker Mage

{U}, Say your middle name: Moniker Mage gains shroud until end of turn.
{U}, Say an opponent's middle name: Moniker Mage gains flying until end of turn.

Common Courtesy

Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission while casting it, counter that spell.
When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice Common Courtesy.

Hurloon Wrangler

Denimwalk (This creature can't be blocked as long as defending player is wearing denim.)

Devil K. Nevil

Haste
When Devil K. Nevil enters the battlefield, jump it over any number of creatures. If it clears those creatures, put that many +1/+1 counters on it. (You can see a jumping demonstration at DevilKNevil.com.)

Red-Hot Hottie

Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, sacrifice this creature unless you scream 'Aaah!' at the top of your lungs."

Look at Me, I'm the DCI

Ban a card other than a basic land card for the rest of the match. (All cards with that name in any zone or sideboard are removed from the match.)

Charm School

As Charm School enters the battlefield, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head.
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by sources of the chosen color.
When Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.

City of Ass

City of Ass enters the battlefield tapped.
{T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color.

Ass Whuppin'

Destroy target silver-bordered or acorn permanent in any game you can see from your seat.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Abstract Iguanart

Whenever you cast a spell, note the first letter of its artist's name. If that letter wasn't already noted, put a +1/+1 counter on Abstract Iguanart.

Hazmat Suit (Used)

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+1 and has menace.
Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches enchanted creature, that player loses 2 life.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice I'm Rubber, You're Glue.
Say "I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you": Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you.

Sorry

Before any player casts a spell with the same name as a card in any graveyard, that player may say "sorry." If they don't, any other player may say "sorry" as the spell is being cast. When another player says "sorry" this way, counter the spell.
Whenever a player says "sorry" at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player.

Our Market Research Shows That Players Like Really Long Card Names So We Made this Card to Have the Absolute Longest Card Name Ever Elemental

Art rampage 2 (Whenever this creature becomes blocked by a creature, it gets +2/+2 for each creature in the blocker's art beyond the first.)

AWOL

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

Miss Demeanor

Flying, first strike
At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on their game play. If you don't, sacrifice Miss Demeanor.

Over My Dead Bodies

Creature cards in graveyards can attack and block as though they were on the battlefield, can block or be blocked only by creature cards in graveyards, are Zombies in addition to their other types, and have undeathtouch. (If they would deal damage to a creature card, exile that creature card instead.)
Creature cards in your graveyard have haste.

Gobsmacked

Enchant nonland permanent
As Gobsmacked enters the battlefield, choose a person outside the game.
As long as you can see the chosen person from your seat, enchanted permanent can't attack or block, and its activated abilities can't be activated.

Drawn Together

As Drawn Together enters the battlefield, choose an artist.
Creatures with art by the chosen artist get +2/+2.

Granny's Payback

Free-for-All

When Free-for-All enters the battlefield, exile all creatures face down.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player chooses a card exiled with Free-for-All at random and puts it onto the battlefield.
When Free-for-All leaves the battlefield, put all cards exiled with it into their owners' graveyards.

Goblin Cruciverbalist

Haste
When Goblin Cruciverbalist enters the battlefield, create a colorless artifact token named your choice of A, E, I, O, or U.
Whenever Goblin Cruciverbalist attacks, using the first letters of names of permanents you control, spell a word you haven't spelled this game. It gets +1/+0 until end of turn for each letter in that word.

Once More with Feeling

Exile all permanents and all cards from all graveyards. Each player shuffles their hand into their library, then draws seven cards. Each player's life total becomes 10. Exile Once More with Feeling.
DCI ruling — A deck can have only one card named Once More with Feeling.

Extremely Slow Zombie

Last strike (This creature deals combat damage after creatures without last strike.)

Entirely Normal Armchair

During your turn, if Entirely Normal Armchair is in your hand, you may hide it on the battlefield.
{0}: Return Entirely Normal Armchair to its owner's hand. Only your opponents may activate this ability and only if they see Entirely Normal Armchair.
{2}, Sacrifice Entirely Normal Armchair: Destroy target attacking creature.

Ashnod's Coupon

{T}, Sacrifice Ashnod's Coupon: Target player gets you target drink. You pay any costs for the drink.

Ineffable Blessing

As Ineffable Blessing enters the battlefield, choose a number.
Whenever a creature with exactly the chosen number of words in its name enters the battlefield under your control, draw a card. (Hyphenated words are one word.)

Mons's Goblin Waiters

Frazzled Editor

Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)

Keeper of the Sacred Word

As Keeper of the Sacred Word enters the battlefield, choose a word.
Whenever an opponent says the chosen word, Keeper of the Sacred Word gets +3/+3 until end of turn.

Knight of the Kitchen Sink

First strike, protection from loose lips (Nothing with an open mouth in its artwork can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature.)

Summon the Pack

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put all creature cards revealed this way onto the battlefield under your control. They're Zombies in addition to their other types. (Remove those cards from your deck before beginning a new game.)

Standing Army

As long as you're standing, Standing Army has vigilance.

Jack-in-the-Mox

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect.
1 — Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life.
2 — Add {W}.
3 — Add {U}.
4 — Add {B}.
5 — Add {R}.
6 — Add {G}.

Side to Side

You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token.

Defective Detective

Defective Detective can't be blocked.
When Defective Detective enters the battlefield, a person outside the game looks at target opponent's hand and chooses a card from it. That player reveals that card.

Sex Appeal

Prevent the next 3 damage that would be dealt this turn to any number of targets, divided as you choose. If there are more people in the room of a different gender than you are as you cast this spell, prevent the next 6 damage this way instead.

Gray Merchant of Alphabet

When Gray Merchant of Alphabet enters the battlefield, choose a letter. For each creature you control that has the chosen letter in its name, you gain 1 life and each opponent loses 1 life.

Old-Fashioned Vampire

Flying
Old-Fashioned Vampire gets +2/+2 and has deathtouch as long as it's dark outdoors.

Infernal Spawn of Evil

Flying, first strike
{1}{B}, Reveal Infernal Spawn of Evil from your hand, Say "It's coming!": Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 1 damage to target opponent or planeswalker. Activate only during your upkeep and only once each turn.

Cramped Bunker

At the beginning of each opponent's upkeep, that player moves a permanent they control to touch Cramped Bunker and no other permanents. If the player can't, destroy each permanent they control that isn't touching Cramped Bunker, then sacrifice it.

Censorship

As Censorship enters the battlefield, choose a word.
Whenever a player says the chosen word, Censorship deals 2 damage to that player.

Stone-Cold Basilisk

Whenever Stone-Cold Basilisk blocks or becomes blocked by a creature with fewer letters in its name, destroy that creature at end of combat. (Punctuation and spaces aren't letters.)
Whenever an opponent reads Stone-Cold Basilisk, that player is turned to stone until end of turn. Stoned players can't attack, block, cast spells, or activate abilities.

Infinity Elemental

Booster Tutor

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of them into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)

Super-Duper Lost

Put target creature into its owner's library just beneath the top X cards of that library, where X is the number of doors you can see from your seat.

Now I Know My ABC's

At the beginning of your upkeep, if you control permanents with names that include all twenty-six letters of the English alphabet, you win the game.

Frankie Peanuts

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.

Phyrexian Librarian

Flying, trample
At the beginning of your upkeep, exile the top card of your library and balance it on your body.
When a balanced card falls or touches another balanced card, sacrifice Phyrexian Librarian.

Head to Head

You and target opponent play Seven Questions with the top card of that player's library. If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice. (To play Seven Questions, that player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that they answer truthfully. You guess the card's name—that's question seven—then the player reveals the card.)

Clay Pigeon

Flying
{1}, Throw Clay Pigeon into the air at least two feet above your head while seated: If you catch Clay Pigeon with one hand, prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to you this turn and tap Clay Pigeon. Otherwise, sacrifice it.

Better Than One

A person outside the game becomes your teammate. (Choose any number of cards in your hand, on top of your library, or on the battlefield under your control. Those cards become your teammate's hand, library, and permanents, respectively.)

Cheap Ass

Clocknapper

When Clocknapper enters the battlefield, choose beginning phase, precombat main phase, combat phase, postcombat main phase, or ending phase. Steal that phase from target player during their next turn. (That phase occurs as though it's your turn instead.)

Lexivore

Whenever Lexivore deals damage to a player, destroy target permanent other than Lexivore with the most lines of text in its text box. (If two or more cards are tied, target any one of them.)

Get Your Head in the Game

Flash
When Get Your Head in the Game enters the battlefield, exile target nonland permanent until it (this card) leaves the battlefield, then touch it (this card) with your head. When it (this card) stops touching it (your head), sacrifice it (the card, not your head).

Exit Through the Grift Shop

Yell "Who wants a souvenir?" and announce the name of a nonland card in your graveyard. Each player in an Un-game who can hear you may bid life. You start the bidding at 0. The high bidder loses life equal to the high bid. They copy the card and may cast the copy without paying its mana cost. If you didn't win the bid, you gain life equal to the high bid and create that many Treasure tokens.

Avatar of Me

This spell costs {1} more to cast for each ten years you've been alive.
Avatar of Me's power is equal to your height in feet and its toughness is equal to your American shoe size. Round to the nearest ½.
Avatar of Me is the color of your eyes.

Six-y Beast

As Six-y Beast enters the battlefield, you secretly put six or fewer +1/+1 counters on it, then an opponent guesses the number of counters. If that player guesses right, sacrifice Six-y Beast after it enters the battlefield.

D00-DL, Caricaturist

When D00-DL, Caricaturist enters the battlefield, create a 4/4 colorless Sketch creature token, which you have fifteen seconds to draw. The token has flying if it has wings in its art. The same is true for first strike and a sword, vigilance and a shield, menace and mean eyes, trample and horns, deathtouch and claws, lifelink and fangs, and haste and footwear.

Subcontract

A person outside the game looks at target opponent's hand and chooses a nonland card from it. That player discards that card.

An Incident Has Occurred

Choose one or both —
• Destroy target creature with flying.
• Destroy target Attraction. (It's put into its owner's junkyard.)
You may apologize. If you do, you gain 3 life.

Gluetius Maximus

As Gluetius Maximus enters the battlefield, an opponent chooses one of your fingers. (Thumbs are fingers, too.)
When the chosen finger isn't touching Gluetius Maximus, sacrifice Gluetius Maximus.

Eye to Eye

You and target creature's controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.

Look at Me, I'm R&D

As Look at Me, I'm R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number.
All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.

Busted!

Counter target spell unless its controller pays {X}, where X is the number of words in the name with the most words among permanents you control.

S.N.O.T.

You may have S.N.O.T. enter the battlefield stuck to another creature named S.N.O.T. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature.
S.N.O.T.'s power and toughness are each equal to the square of the number of cards named S.N.O.T. stuck together to form it. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9, and four are a 16/16. If you manage to get -1 S.N.O.T.s stuck together, it's a 1/1.)

"Ach! Hans, Run!"

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say "Ach! Hans, run! It's the . . ." and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Pietra, Crafter of Clowns

Haste
Robots you control get +1/+1.
{R}{W}, {T}, Tell a joke you haven't told this game to someone outside the game: Create a 1/1 white Clown Robot artifact creature token. If that person laughed, the token gains haste until end of turn.

Nearby Planet

Rangeling (This card is every land type, including Plains, Island, Swamp, Mountain, Forest, Desert, Gate, Lair, Locus, and all those Urza's ones.)
Nearby Planet enters the battlefield tapped.
When Nearby Planet enters the battlefield, sacrifice it unless you pay {1}.

Supersize

Target creature gets +3½/+3½ until end of turn.

Rings a Bell

As Rings a Bell enters the battlefield, choose a word with four or more letters.
After you say the chosen word for the first time each turn, an opponent may ring or imitate a bell within five seconds. When no opponent does, draw a card.

Hangman

As Hangman enters the battlefield, secretly note a word with six to eight letters.
{1}: Target player who doesn't control Hangman guesses the noted word or an unguessed letter in that word. If they guess wrong, put a +1/+1 counter on Hangman. Any player may activate this ability.
When a player guesses the noted word or all of its letters, sacrifice Hangman.

Spelling Bee

Flying, deathtouch
Whenever Spelling Bee deals combat damage to a player, that player looks at the top card of your library and chooses a word on that card. You spell that word. If you spell it correctly, draw a card. Otherwise, scry 1.

Chaos Confetti

{4}, {T}: Tear Chaos Confetti into pieces. Throw the pieces onto the battlefield from a distance of at least five feet. Destroy each permanent that a piece touches. Remove the pieces from the game.

Question Elemental?

Did you know this creature has flying?
Are you aware that any time you say something that isn't a question, when a player points out this fact first, they gain control of Question Elemental?

Rules Lawyer

State-based actions don't apply to you or other permanents you control. (You don't lose the game due to having 0 or less life or drawing from an empty library. Your creatures aren't destroyed due to damage or deathtouch and aren't put into a graveyard due to having 0 or less toughness. Your planeswalkers aren't put into a graveyard if they have 0 loyalty. You don't put a legendary permanent into a graveyard if you control two with the same name. Counters aren't removed from your permanents due to game rules. Permanents you control attached or combined illegally remain on the battlefield. For complete rules and regulations, see rule 704.)

Goblin Haberdasher

Menace (This creature can't be blocked except by two or more creatures.)
Other creatures you control wearing hats in their art have menace.

Skull Saucer

Flying
When Skull Saucer enters the battlefield, destroy target creature and put your head on the table. Sacrifice Skull Saucer when your head stops touching the table.

Old Fogey

Phasing, cumulative upkeep {1}, echo {G}{G}, fading 3, bands with other Dinosaurs, protection from Homarids, snow-covered plainswalk, flanking, rampage 2

Opening Ceremony

Add {W}{U}{B}{R}{G}{C}. You may open a sealed Magic booster pack. Until end of turn, you may cast spells from among the cards in that booster pack.

Phoebe, Head of S.N.E.A.K.

Phoebe, Head of S.N.E.A.K. can't be blocked by creatures with flavor text.
{2}{U}{B}: Phoebe permanently steals target creature's text box. (That creature loses all rules text, flavor text, and watermarks. This creature gains them.)

Johnny, Combo Player

{4}: Search your library for a card, put that card into your hand, then shuffle.

Exchange of Words

When Exchange of Words enters the battlefield, choose two target creatures. For as long as Exchange of Words remains on the battlefield, exchange the text boxes of those creatures.