Handcuffs

As Handcuffs enters the battlefield, choose a player.
When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three permanents.

Handy Dandy Clone Machine

{2}, {T}: Create a 2/2 colorless Homunculus creature token. It must be represented by a unique hand and two fingers at all times, or it ceases to exist.

Hoisted Hireling

Hoisted Hireling has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.

Hat Trick

Target blocking or blocked creature you control get +1/+1 and gains first strike until end of turn. If it has a hat, it gains double strike until end of turn. If you and that creature each have a hat, the creature gains triple strike until end of turn.

Head to Head

You and target opponent play Seven Questions with the top card of that player's library. If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice. (To play Seven Questions, that player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that they answer truthfully. You guess the card's name—that's question seven—then the player reveals the card.)

Hazmat Suit (Used)

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+1 and has menace.
Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches enchanted creature, that player loses 2 life.

Infernius Spawnington III, Esq.

Flying, first strike, trample, haste
This spell costs {3} less to cast for each card you've revealed this turn.
When Infernius Spawnington III, Esq. enters the battlefield, you may say "I'm here." If you do, it deals 3 damage to target player.

Hurloon Wrangler

Denimwalk (This creature can't be blocked as long as defending player is wearing denim.)

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice I'm Rubber, You're Glue.
Say "I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you": Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you.

Incoming!

Each player searches their library for any number of artifact, creature, enchantment, and/or land cards, puts them onto the battlefield, then shuffles.

Impounding Lot-Bot

When Impounding Lot-Bot enters the battlefield, you may say "INCARCERATE!" in a robot voice. If you do, exile another target artifact or enchantment until Impounding Lot-Bot leaves the battlefield.

Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil

Flying, first strike, trample
Once each turn, while you're searching your library, you may pay {1}{B}, reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library and say "I'm coming, too!" If you do, Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 2 damage to a player of your choice.

Ineffable Blessing

As Ineffable Blessing enters the battlefield, choose a number.
Whenever a creature with exactly the chosen number of words in its name enters the battlefield under your control, draw a card. (Hyphenated words are one word.)

Infernal Spawn of Evil

Flying, first strike
{1}{B}, Reveal Infernal Spawn of Evil from your hand, Say "It's coming!": Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 1 damage to target opponent or planeswalker. Activate only during your upkeep and only once each turn.

Hot Fix

You have ten seconds to look at and rearrange the cards in your library. At the end of those ten seconds, if you're touching one or more of those cards, shuffle.

Infinity Elemental

It Came from Planet Glurg

You may have It Came from Planet Glurg enter the battlefield as a copy of X different creatures on the battlefield. (It has their total power, total toughness, combined mana costs, all text boxes, names, art, and so on.)

It That Gets Left Hanging

When It That Gets Left Hanging enters the battlefield, ask a person outside the game to high-five you. If they won't, It That Gets Left Hanging gains haste until end of turn.

Jalum Grifter

{1}{R}, {T}: Shuffle Jalum Grifter and two lands you control face down. Target opponent chooses one of those cards. Turn the cards face up. If they chose Jalum Grifter, sacrifice it. Otherwise, destroy target permanent.

Johnny, Combo Player

{4}: Search your library for a card, put that card into your hand, then shuffle.

Jack-in-the-Mox

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect.
1 — Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life.
2 — Add {W}.
3 — Add {U}.
4 — Add {B}.
5 — Add {R}.
6 — Add {G}.

Just Desserts

Just Desserts deals π damage to target creature. (π is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. (It's a smidgen more than 3.))

Keeper of the Sacred Word

As Keeper of the Sacred Word enters the battlefield, choose a word.
Whenever an opponent says the chosen word, Keeper of the Sacred Word gets +3/+3 until end of turn.

Knife and Death

Just a second (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can't move permanents.)
One at a time, throw ten cards you own from outside the game onto the playing area from a distance of at least three feet (about one meter). For each of those cards, Knife and Death deals 1 damage to each creature or planeswalker you don't control that card is touching. You gain life equal to the damage dealt this way.

Kindslaver

{5}, {T}, Sacrifice Kindslaver: A person outside the game controls target player during that player's next turn. Neither player may advise that person until the end of that turn.

Knight of the Hokey Pokey

First strike
{1}{W}, Do the Hokey Pokey: Prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to Knight of the Hokey Pokey this turn. (To do the Hokey Pokey, choose an arm, a leg, or your whole self and put it in. Put it out. Put it in. Shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey! Turn yourself around.)

Bar Entry

Choose one —
• Destroy target creature with power 4 or greater.
• Destroy target creature with any part of its head higher than the bar. (Align the tops of both cards to check.)

Baron Von Count

Baron Von Count enters the battlefield with a doom counter on "5."
Whenever you cast a spell with the indicated numeral in its mana cost, text box, power, or toughness, move the doom counter one numeral to the left.
When the doom counter moves from "1," destroy target player and put that doom counter on "5."

Better Than One

A person outside the game becomes your teammate. (Choose any number of cards in your hand, on top of your library, or on the battlefield under your control. Those cards become your teammate's hand, library, and permanents, respectively.)

Bronze Calendar

Spells you cast cost {1} less to cast.
You must speak in a voice other than your normal voice.
When you speak in your normal voice, sacrifice Bronze Calendar.

capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Blue Ribbon

When Blue Ribbon enters the battlefield, ask a person outside the game which creature you control is most deserving of a blue ribbon. Attach Blue Ribbon to that creature.
Equipped creature has best in show. (Whenever another creature becomes the target of a spell or ability you control, you may copy that spell or ability. If you do, the copy targets this creature.)
Equip {3}

Bag Check

Counter target spell, then ask a person outside the game if that spell looks dangerous to them. If they say yes, draw a card, then discard a card.

B-I-N-G-O

Trample
Whenever a player casts a spell, put a chip counter on its mana value.
B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chip counters on them.

Blufferfish

{3}{U}: An opponent tells you a statement about themselves and secretly notes whether it's true or not. You guess which it is. If you guessed correctly, Blufferfish gets +2/+0 and can't be blocked this turn.

Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire

Whenever any player taps a permanent, that player chooses one of their opponents. The chosen player gains control of that permanent at the beginning of the next end step.
At the beginning of each player's end step, if that player didn't tap any nonland permanents that turn, Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire deals 3 damage to that player.

Boomstacker

As Boomstacker enters the battlefield and whenever it attacks, stack two dice on top of it. (All dice must be stacked vertically, one on top of another.)
Boomstacker gets +1/+1 for each die in its stack.
Boomstacker attacks each combat if able.
When the stack falls, sacrifice Boomstacker.

Bosom Buddy

Whenever you cast a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell's name.

Booster Tutor

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of them into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)

Bureaucracy

Pursuant to subsection 3.1(4) of Richard's Rules of Order, at the beginning of the upkeep of each participant in this game of the Magic: The Gathering® trading card game (hereafter known as "PLAYER"), that PLAYER performs all actions in the sequence of previously added actions (hereafter known as "ACTION QUEUE"), in the order those actions were added, then adds another action to the end of the ACTION QUEUE. All actions must be simple physical or verbal actions that a player can perform while sitting in a chair, without jeopardizing the health and security of said PLAYER.
When any PLAYER does not perform all the prescribed actions in the correct order, sacrifice Bureaucracy and said PLAYER discards their complement of cards in hand (hereafter known as "HAND").

Busted!

Counter target spell unless its controller pays {X}, where X is the number of words in the name with the most words among permanents you control.

Carnival Barker

{T}: You have thirty seconds to laud a creature you control to any people outside the game. Until end of turn, that creature gains trample and haste and gets +X/+0, where X is the number of those people who applauded. Activate only as a sorcery and only once.

Cardpecker

Flying
Gotcha — If an opponent touches the table with their hand, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Cardpecker from your graveyard to your hand.

Carnivorous Death-Parrot

Flying
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice Carnivorous Death-Parrot unless you say its flavor text.

Censorship

As Censorship enters the battlefield, choose a word.
Whenever a player says the chosen word, Censorship deals 2 damage to that player.

Cheap Ass

Chaos Confetti

{4}, {T}: Tear Chaos Confetti into pieces. Throw the pieces onto the battlefield from a distance of at least five feet. Destroy each permanent that a piece touches. Remove the pieces from the game.

Charm School

As Charm School enters the battlefield, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head.
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by sources of the chosen color.
When Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.

Cheatyface

If Cheatyface is in your hand, you may sneak Cheatyface onto the battlefield. If an opponent catches you right away, that player may exile Cheatyface.
Flying

City of Ass

City of Ass enters the battlefield tapped.
{T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color.

Clay Pigeon

Flying
{1}, Throw Clay Pigeon into the air at least two feet above your head while seated: If you catch Clay Pigeon with one hand, prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to you this turn and tap Clay Pigeon. Otherwise, sacrifice it.

Clocknapper

When Clocknapper enters the battlefield, choose beginning phase, precombat main phase, combat phase, postcombat main phase, or ending phase. Steal that phase from target player during their next turn. (That phase occurs as though it's your turn instead.)

Common Courtesy

Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission while casting it, counter that spell.
When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice Common Courtesy.

Cramped Bunker

At the beginning of each opponent's upkeep, that player moves a permanent they control to touch Cramped Bunker and no other permanents. If the player can't, destroy each permanent they control that isn't touching Cramped Bunker, then sacrifice it.

Creature Guy

Gotcha — If an opponent says "creature" or "guy," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand.

D00-DL, Caricaturist

When D00-DL, Caricaturist enters the battlefield, create a 4/4 colorless Sketch creature token, which you have fifteen seconds to draw. The token has flying if it has wings in its art. The same is true for first strike and a sword, vigilance and a shield, menace and mean eyes, trample and horns, deathtouch and claws, lifelink and fangs, and haste and footwear.

Defective Detective

Defective Detective can't be blocked.
When Defective Detective enters the battlefield, a person outside the game looks at target opponent's hand and chooses a card from it. That player reveals that card.

Deadhead

{0}: Return Deadhead from your graveyard to the battlefield. Activate only if an opponent isn't touching their hand (of cards).

Devil K. Nevil

Haste
When Devil K. Nevil enters the battlefield, jump it over any number of creatures. If it clears those creatures, put that many +1/+1 counters on it. (You can see a jumping demonstration at DevilKNevil.com.)

Don't Try This at Home

If a hot source you control would deal damage to a player or permanent, it deals that much damage plus 1 instead. (Something is hot if it has hot things in its art, like fire or explosions.)
{1}{R}, Sacrifice Don't Try This at Home: It deals damage equal to twice the number of hot cards in your graveyard to target creature or planeswalker.

Drawn Together

As Drawn Together enters the battlefield, choose an artist.
Creatures with art by the chosen artist get +2/+2.

Dumb Ass

At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Emcee

Whenever another creature enters the battlefield, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice, "Presenting . . . " and that creature's name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.

Enter the Dungeon

Players play a Magic subgame under the table, starting at 5 life and using their libraries as their decks. The winner searches their library for two cards, puts those cards into their hand, then shuffles.

Fat Ass

Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you're eating. (Gum isn't food. We checked.)

Elvish House Party

Elvish House Party's power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.

Exchange of Words

When Exchange of Words enters the battlefield, choose two target creatures. For as long as Exchange of Words remains on the battlefield, exchange the text boxes of those creatures.

Entirely Normal Armchair

During your turn, if Entirely Normal Armchair is in your hand, you may hide it on the battlefield.
{0}: Return Entirely Normal Armchair to its owner's hand. Only your opponents may activate this ability and only if they see Entirely Normal Armchair.
{2}, Sacrifice Entirely Normal Armchair: Destroy target attacking creature.

Exit Through the Grift Shop

Yell "Who wants a souvenir?" and announce the name of a nonland card in your graveyard. Each player in an Un-game who can hear you may bid life. You start the bidding at 0. The high bidder loses life equal to the high bid. They copy the card and may cast the copy without paying its mana cost. If you didn't win the bid, you gain life equal to the high bid and create that many Treasure tokens.

Eye to Eye

You and target creature's controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.

Farewell to Arms

As Farewell to Arms enters the battlefield, choose a hand attached to an opponent's arm.
When the chosen hand isn't behind its owner's back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards their hand . . . of cards. (The lawyers wouldn't let us do it the other way.)

Extremely Slow Zombie

Last strike (This creature deals combat damage after creatures without last strike.)

Face to Face

You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that player.

Flavor Judge

{T}: Choose target spell or ability that targets a permanent you control. Then ask a person outside the game if the story of what will happen makes sense. If they say no, sacrifice Flavor Judge and counter that spell or ability.

Form of the Approach of the Second Sun

When this enchantment enters the battlefield, you gain 7 life. You become a card until you leave your library or that library is shuffled. Put yourself seventh from the top, balancing the cards on top of you on your head.
When you draw yourself, you win the game.
When one or more cards fall off your head, exile them and all cards on your head, then sacrifice this enchantment.

Frankie Peanuts

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.

Frazzled Editor

Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)

Free-for-All

When Free-for-All enters the battlefield, exile all creatures face down.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player chooses a card exiled with Free-for-All at random and puts it onto the battlefield.
When Free-for-All leaves the battlefield, put all cards exiled with it into their owners' graveyards.

Ladies' Knight

Flying
Spells cast by players wearing at least one item of women's clothing cost {1} less to cast. (You can define women's clothing as you see fit. Be reasonable.)

Knight of the Kitchen Sink

First strike, protection from loose lips (Nothing with an open mouth in its artwork can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature.)

Landfill

Choose a land type. Exile all lands you control of that type. Drop those cards, one at a time, onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot. Destroy each permanent completely covered by those cards. Then return the cards you dropped to the battlefield tapped.

Laughing Hyena

Gotcha — If an opponent laughs, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Laughing Hyena from your graveyard to your hand.

Look at Me, I'm R&D

As Look at Me, I'm R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number.
All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.

Man of Measure

As long as you're shorter than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +0/+1 and has first strike.
As long as you're taller than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +1/+0.

Land Aid '04

Search your library for a basic land card, put that card onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle. If you sang a song the whole time you were searching and shuffling, you may untap that land.

Magical Hacker

{U}: Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of + with -, and vice versa, until end of turn.

Letter Bomb

When Letter Bomb enters the battlefield, sign it and shuffle it into target player's library. That player reveals each card they draw until they draw Letter Bomb. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to them.

Little Girl

Loose Lips

Enchant creature
As Loose Lips enters the battlefield, choose a sentence with eight or fewer words.
Enchanted creature has flying.
Whenever enchanted creature deals damage to an opponent, that player may say the chosen sentence. If they don't, you draw two cards.

Lexivore

Whenever Lexivore deals damage to a player, destroy target permanent other than Lexivore with the most lines of text in its text box. (If two or more cards are tied, target any one of them.)

Over My Dead Bodies

Creature cards in graveyards can attack and block as though they were on the battlefield, can block or be blocked only by creature cards in graveyards, are Zombies in addition to their other types, and have undeathtouch. (If they would deal damage to a creature card, exile that creature card instead.)
Creature cards in your graveyard have haste.

Look at Me, I'm the DCI

Ban a card other than a basic land card for the rest of the match. (All cards with that name in any zone or sideboard are removed from the match.)

Mana Screw

{1}: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, add {C}{C}. Activate only as an instant.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror enters the battlefield tapped.
{7}, {T}, Sacrifice Mirror Mirror: Choose target player. At the beginning of the next end step, exchange life totals with that player, exchange control of all permanents you and that player control, and exchange cards in your hands, cards in your libraries, and cards in your graveyards.

Masterful Ninja

Haste
Reveal Masterful Ninja from your hand: Masterful Ninja is on the battlefield and in your hand until end of turn.
{1}{B}: Masterful Ninja gets +1/+1 until end of turn.

Mesa Chicken

Stand up, Flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: Mesa Chicken gains flying until end of turn.

Mine, Mine, Mine!

When Mine, Mine, Mine! enters the battlefield, each player puts their library into their hand.
Players have no maximum hand size and don't lose the game for drawing from an empty library.
Each player can't cast more than one spell each turn.
When Mine, Mine, Mine! leaves the battlefield, each player shuffles their hand and graveyard into their library.

Miss Demeanor

Flying, first strike
At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on their game play. If you don't, sacrifice Miss Demeanor.

Moniker Mage

{U}, Say your middle name: Moniker Mage gains shroud until end of turn.
{U}, Say an opponent's middle name: Moniker Mage gains flying until end of turn.

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